Men's jokes about women. Funny and funny aphorisms about men and women. Jokes about men and women are very funny
Long ago, only women lived on earth. And one day one of them turned to the Lord with a request:
- I beg you, God, make me the most beautiful, the most desirable of all women.
- What about the rest of the women?
- Yes, x @ p, with them!
This is how men appeared on earth.
Guys, problem!
Wife returned from vacation a day early and caught washing dishes. He doesn't want to listen to any explanation. She says I lied to her all the time that I can't. I tell her, they say, you yourself understand, it’s difficult for so long without a woman, I couldn’t resist, but no more, I swear, and she goes to the refrigerator. And I didn’t have time to eat anything that I cooked, I thought I’d have time tomorrow. And here you are - and borscht, and pilaf and twice half a pie. Slept, in short, to the fullest. I tried to tell her that the woman drove, but where was there after the dishes. In short, what to do? Divorce?
The son in the kitchen smokes through the window. He hears the door slam in the hallway: the mother came home from work. He threw away his cigarette and sprinkled air freshener.
Mother comes in, he makes excuses:
- Mom, I honestly did not smoke! It stinks from the neighbors.
- Yes, you smoke, drink, take women home - maybe at least you will finally get married at 44!
Why haven't you married yet?
- Yes, I bring girls home, mothers do not like it!
- Bring someone who looks like a mother.
- Brought, dad began to swear!
A real man should be able to properly set fire to the hut and disperse the horse so that the woman has something to do at her leisure.
The men are sitting in the bath.
The mobile is ringing. One picked up the phone and answers:
- Yes, dear, what did you want? Fur coat? Yes, you certainly may! Do you know where the money is? Good! More boots? Yes please! Handbag? Yes buy!
Turns off the phone and says:
Guys, whose phone is it?
If a man claims that he has ceased to understand anything in women, then he has finally understood them.
At a table in a cafe, a man says to a woman:
- Sorry, but on the dating site, I didn’t imagine you at all ...
- Man, yes you drink, drink!
Preparing for the wedding, my girlfriend chooses the decoration of the hall, music. I deal with the domestic side of the issue. I transfer the property to my parents.
Every girl dreams of a bad boy who will be good only for her.
Every boy dreams of a good girl who will be bad only for him.
A man tells a friend:
- I recently got married, I carry her in my arms around the apartment, and then she says:
- Vasya, have we already signed? Let me jump on the neck ...
For women, childhood ends when they call not to eat, but to cook ...
A woman has three age stages:
1. We annoy the father
2. We get the husband
3. Annoy the son-in-law
Juicy jokes about a man and a woman
A man comes to a sex shop to buy a rubber woman.
The seller asks:
- You normal or with intelligence?
- With intelligence.
The next day, the man returns to the store:
- Change to normal.
- What do you not like?
- I didn't.
A tired hitman walks into a bar in Arizona, places his rifle on the table, and orders himself a drink. The farmer sitting opposite asks politely:
- Excuse me, but can I look at your house through your optical sight?
“Look, it’s not a pity,” the killer answers.
- How much do you charge for work? the farmer asks after a minute. -There my wife is having fun with our neighbor!
- A thousand dollars for one shot.
I'm crying twice! But you must shoot off his penis, and her head.
“Okay,” the killer says, and starts aiming.
- Nu that same you procrastinate?! the farmer shouts after a couple of minutes.
- Wait, you! I'm trying to save you half.
The newlyweds agreed to make love only on those days of the week that have the letter "r". Somehow a tired husband comes home from work, and his wife starts harassing him. He asks her:
- Honey, what day is it today?
- Monday! she answers.
Monya, where are you running to?
- Oh, don’t ask, I’m in a hurry to urgently fulfill my marital duty ...
- Monya, so you live in the other direction!
- I feel that I won’t bring it there!
One couple did not have children. In which only clinics they did not apply - all to no avail. Desperate, they decided to consult a sex therapist, although they knew that everything was fine with them here. After listening to both of them, the doctor advised the man to somehow “master” his wife at the most unexpected moment, then, according to him, conception might occur.
After 4 months, the happy couple comes back to the doctor to thank him for the advice, which really helped. Then the doctor asked the man to linger and asked him how he managed to “possess” his wife so unexpectedly that she became pregnant. He answers:
- She was looking for something in the refrigerator, and I crept up behind her, lifted her skirt and ... this ...
- Well, she must have been very surprised.
- Yes, it's okay, you should have seen the faces of buyers in the supermarket!
Father, is a woman allowed during fasting?
- You can, but not fat.
Jokes about men and women are very funny
A man on the subway is staring at a woman. She turned out to be not from the timid and says:
- Man, why are you staring at me like that? Enough already, you're undressing me with your eyes!
- What are you, what are you?! You are already dressing, and I am smoking ...
A man met a woman at a resort.
On the first day, the man stroked the woman's hand. On the second day - the elbow.
On the third, when the man dared to touch the woman on the shoulder, she said irritably:
- What do you think - I came here for six months?
A man bought two geese at the fair, a bucket, an anvil, and then two more hens on the cheap. She goes home, and a woman meets:
- Can you tell me how to get to the village?
- Come with me, I'll show you. Just let's go through the forest, so closer.
- Well, of course, otherwise I don’t know you guys! As soon as we go into the forest, so somewhere you will press me to a tree ...
- What are you, a woman? See how much living creatures I have in my hands? How can I?
- Yes, it's very simple! Cover the geese with a bucket, and an anvil on top.
- And where will I put the chickens?
- Well, I can hold chickens.
My wife is concerned about my erectile dysfunction. She and I have different views on its cause.
She bought me Viagra, I bought her a treadmill.
Svetka, get up, 15 minutes left before work!
- What are you? Fucked up??! You couldn't wake me up before? I only have 20 minutes to paint!
- Do not yell you, while you were sleeping, I already made up you.
A man and a woman lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. Thoughts of a woman: “Silence. Doesn't want to talk. Surely, he has already fallen out of love with me, he has another. The relationship is over…” The man’s thoughts: “A fly, a fly on the ceiling. How is she holding up?
A woman is allowed to interrupt only with compliments ...
It is clear why a man and a woman cannot understand each other - because they want completely different things. A man wants a woman, and a woman wants a man.
The way to a man's heart lies: for beautiful women through the stomach, for ugly women through the liver.
It's hard to argue with a naked woman.
An adult son and a young wife - what else does a man need to adequately meet old age?!
A woman differs from a man in that she thinks over not her steps, but her gait.
The most terrible word that men are afraid to hear from a woman is the word "MORE!"
Every woman is the blacksmith of her own happiness, and her man is a hammer.
A smart woman is one in whose society one can behave as stupidly as one likes.
Men kneel in front of a woman just to look under her skirt.
A woman wants everything - from one, a Man - one from all.
A woman rarely forgives jealousy and never forgives her absence.
The more often a woman moans at night, the less often she grumbles during the day.
The more beautiful a woman is, the faster time and money fly by.
A man is like a bath leaf: first he sticks to a woman, and then he is washed off.
A truly beautiful dress is one in which a beautiful woman looks better than without it.
When a man feels bad - he is looking for a woman. When a man feels good - he is looking for another one.
A man wants him to be her first, and a woman wants her to be his last.
In order not to annoy a man, a woman changes dresses, and in order not to annoy a woman, a man changes women.
A man's problems begin not when a woman starts to undress for his money, but when she starts to dress for them.
When a woman says that she has nothing to wear, it means that everything new has ended. When a man says that he has nothing to wear, it means that everything clean has ended.
From the point of view of women, men have two main shortcomings: that they think about sex all the time, and that their thoughts are at odds with their deeds.
If men knew what women think, they would be twenty times more impudent.
The girl wants to first go to restaurants in order to understand whether it is worth going to bed with the guy. And the guy wants to put the girl to bed as soon as possible in order to understand - is it worth taking her to restaurants?
Girls lack femininity, and women lack virginity.
If a girl knows her worth, then she has called her more than once.
Girls can do anything, only some are shy.
Leaving a girl to join the army is like leaving a bottle of vodka on the street and coming back for it two years later.
You can wait all your life for a prince, but you need a man every day!
A beautiful woman is heaven for the eyes, hell for the mind and purgatory for the pockets.
Women need to be carried on their hands - they will sit on their necks.
No one will condemn a woman like two together - a third ...
Muse comes to poets, and music comes to poetesses...
Attractive women are distracting.
The moral character of some men is based only on the fact that they have no money.
Ten men are stacked at the woman's feet, and she chooses the eleventh, who is standing and looking in the other direction.
Women call goats only those men whom they could not make sheep.
A woman is not born - she is made.
If a woman has nothing to say - this does not mean that she will be silent.
Every woman has a flair. But one raisin will not be full.
Before you find your princess, you kiss a lot of toads.
A man is never as weak as when a pretty girl starts telling him how strong he is.
A woman who thinks that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming too high.
It's hard to leave a woman when you feel like she owes you.
If you have found the woman of your dreams, you can say goodbye to the rest of your dreams.
It is less and less possible to meet a woman holding out her hand to you, palm down.
These days, if a man opens a door for a woman, he is most likely a doorman.
At 20 a playboy man, at 40 a playman, at 60 a play-off, at 80 a game over.
A real man will always get what a woman wants.
A woman's final decision is rarely the last.
A real man is a man who remembers a woman's birthday exactly and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
Women's motto:
Men - linoleum. If you lay it well for the first time, then you can walk on it for 20 years.
No matter how much you feed a man, he still looks at other women.
If a wife saws her husband, then she wants to make a beautiful half out of him.
A man can be happy with any woman. Until he loves her.
A woman knows perfectly well the four operations of arithmetic: she divides the bed, multiplies the family, adds beauty to herself and reduces her age.
When a husband comes home early, he thinks: “What would you like to read?”, and when it’s late: “What would you compose?”.
If a woman is given to a man for money, then she is "not a gift."
If a man opens the car door for his wife, then it is either a new car or a new wife.
A woman can forgive a man, even if he is not guilty of anything before her.
A man without a woman is like a bicycle without a trailer.
A woman driving is like a star in the sky: you see her, but she does not see you.
If a man says, "This is a stupid child's game," then this is a game in which he loses to his wife.
Women, of course, know how to keep secrets ... But together.
Automation is the effort of men to simplify work so that women can do it.
Changing, a woman is looking for the best, and a man - a new one.
A woman is like a fortress: one can be captured after the first assault, another after a long siege, and the third after negotiations.
The number of women that a man had is a variable value: it decreases in conversations with a woman and increases in his conversations with a man.
You get drunk from a beautiful woman, but you want to get drunk with an ugly one.
If the wife does not look after herself, she will have to look after her husband.
How a woman wants love! First, she inspires herself that she loves, then she inspires herself that she is loved, and then she inspires all this to her beloved.
The food of a bachelor is more varied than the food of a married man, because a married man eats what one woman cooks, and a bachelor what different people cook.
A woman loves when she is used to it, and a man loves when he is not used to it.
Don Juan is chasing quantity because he cannot keep up with quality.
Relations between a man and a woman cool very quickly if they no longer have a perspective.
The best wife is the one you dream about all your life.
It's not scary if the wife cooks poorly - it's scary if she makes you eat everything.
It is easier for a woman to fall in love than to confess her love. And it's easier for a man to confess than to fall in love.
A man is like a ball: when a woman releases him from her hands, he unravels, and when she takes him in her hands, he unwinds.
It's not so bad when a husband needs only one thing from his wife - it's bad when he doesn't need anything from her.
A woman marries to tie a man to her, and a man marries so that a woman can get rid of him.
Only the lover who is like a closet does not hide in the closet.
It doesn't matter if your husband thinks only of himself, it's a problem if he thinks of another.
How little it is to make only one happy!
A man changes women when he wants to experience a lot, and a woman changes men when she does not experience anything.
If a woman does not take care of herself, a man takes care of another woman.
It is easier for a man to refuse a twenty-year relationship than a twenty-year relationship.
At first, a man does not know how to talk to a woman, and then he does not know how to silence her.
It has always been difficult for me to bring a woman home - first because of my parents, then because of my wife.
And how the wife turns her tongue to blame her husband that he came on the horns.
A woman under forty is looking for a loved one, and after forty - anyone.
A veil is the white flag of a man.
The woman thinks with whom to go on a visit, the man - with whom to leave from there.
The bride is a girl with high hopes for unlikely happiness.
When a man and a woman are together, she thinks: "Finally we are together!", And he - "Finally we are alone!".
What a woman likes, often a man can not afford.
The more a woman revolves around the mirror, the more men revolve around the woman.
A man can love, but change, and a woman can not change, but not love.
Every husband wants his wife to stay at home, but not to sit idly by.
A woman quickly surrenders to the one she does not love and for a long time resists the one she has loved, because with her beloved she wants to seem good, and with the unloved she is not ashamed to seem bad.
A man loves a woman if he says that she looks like his mother and fell out of love if he says that she looks like her own.
In another woman, you usually like what you do not notice in your wife.
The most durable marriage is when the husband is the woman's first man, and the wife is the husband's last woman.
A woman is like a door with a spring: you bring her to you - she is from you, you are her from yourself - she is to you.
If, upon seeing a man, a woman lowers her eyes, it means that she liked him. And if, upon seeing a woman, a man lowers his eyes, it means that he likes her legs.
Love is a current: for a woman it is constant. And for a man - a variable.
A wife always has one more child than her husband.
The choice between wife and mistress is difficult, but in any case pleasant.
A woman is offended by a man in two cases: when he needs only one thing from her and when he does not need anything from her.
For polygamy you get three years in prison, and for monogamy - life.
A rich man can have many women, but a poor woman has to have many men.
Love is like a game of tag: first a man runs after a woman, and then she runs after him.
If a man stopped taking a woman to museums, theaters and restaurants, then he married her.
A man leaves a woman when he notices her shortcomings, and a woman notices a man's shortcomings when he leaves her.
A man wants to reduce love to the size of pleasure, and a woman wants to increase love to the size of happiness.
Some women are so shy that they are embarrassed to refuse men.
Let the women bloom - if only the men would not bloom ...
A girl is like a bullet with a displaced center of gravity: it hits the eye, passes through the heart, hits the pocket and exits sideways.
The wider the wife's waist, the longer the husband's working day.
Women never know the truth! First they have a girl's memory, then women's secrets, then senile insanity.
Girls are like parking spaces: a little delayed, but the best ones are already all taken.
When there is only one wife in the family, she grows up selfish.
The woman disarms by capitulating.
Happiness is not in those women with whom you want to sleep, but in those with whom you want to wake up.
If a man tells you that there are no ugly women, there is little vodka, feel free to answer him: There are no ugly men, there is little money!
Old age for a woman comes when she begins to treat panties as clothes.
The main problem when looking for a real man is that there is already a real woman next to him.
It is known that a man differs from a boy in the cost of toys. And the woman from the girl? The quality of these: girls love soft toys, and women love hard ones.
Men want sex, women want love. And they all do the same thing.
The girl was thin and fragile, so she did not break for long ...
Women admire handsome men, respect smart men, use kind ones, and marry only the strong.
Women are angels. But when their wings are broken, they begin to fly on a broomstick.
A single man is like a blank cartridge - there is a lot of roar, but the target is not hit.
Anyone can have dinner with a girl. Well, breakfast is worth it!
Guys - they are like resin: at first they stick, then they harden, and fall off.
A real man will never refuse a lady the means ... from an unwanted pregnancy.
If you can't convince a woman that she's the only one, don't try to comfort her that she's the best.
When a woman talks about a reliable male shoulder, she usually means the neck.
Still, Themis was a true woman: who else would have thought to weigh blindfolded and at the same time not allow doubts!
The men who treat women with the most respect are rarely the most successful with them.
Husbands are usually good in bed when they cheat on their wives.
If a man never lies to a woman, then he does not care about her feelings.
All wives want their husbands to be rich and famous, but they only care about them.
Not all women are late for a date. Some don't come at all...
Women are like ice cream. First they are cold, then they melt, and then they stick!
To impress others, children tend to look older, men - smarter, women - younger and dumber.
Women pay attention not to beautiful men, but to men with beautiful women.
Admiration for a woman does not yet lead to success. And the success of a man leads a woman to admiration.
Men who speak badly of women usually have only one in mind.
A woman's dream is to be the woman of her dreams.
There is not a single man in the world who is able to be satisfied for a long time only with the soul of a woman.
When meeting a man mentally undresses a woman, she mentally figures out how much he is dressed.
Women are devoured by the eyes of those men who, as a rule, no longer have teeth.
All women live according to one motto: "Love cannot be used", but where to put a comma, each chooses for herself...
If a man washes his socks, then they are his last.
If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but she understands it.
Women's wardrobe is when there is nothing to wear, but nowhere to hang.
If you notice that the favor of your girlfriend directly depends on how much money you spent on her, then your girlfriend is a user. If you don't notice anything like that, then she is an advanced user.
If you want to know what a woman really thinks, look at her, but don't listen.
A woman who values herself too low brings down the price of all women.
Every woman considers herself irreplaceable and believes that she could easily replace any other.
- I have a feeling that if I die, then my wife will come up to the coffin and say: "I died on purpose, if only not to do shit!" She is:
- A woman's hands should tremble from gifts, her legs from sex, and her heart from love!
He:
- And you, my love, will not be torn apart by resonance? Children are frightened by uncles, uncles by children. I read on the Internet that on December 21, 2012 there will be neither the end of the world, nor a terrible and painful death. Simply, all people will connect to a single information field and learn the whole truth about the past and present. So my wife will know too. So it's still a terrible and painful death. It is very easy for women to relieve stress in the kitchen. For example, she took out a turkey, called Sanya, Vanya, or something else, cut off everything she wanted, and slowly lowered it into boiling water ... I bought a book: "Poisons. Yesterday, today, tomorrow" (I just decided to read it)
The husband washes the dishes for the second day, and takes out the garbage, and agrees in everything ... An ideal family. Wife:
- Darling, go drink vodka!
Husband:
- Darling, I haven't washed the floors yet! You listen to women - they all have brilliant children!
And all from idiot husbands... - Have you cleaned my jacket?
- Yes Dear.
- What about trousers?
- Of course, dear.
- What about boots?
- Do you have any pockets? Listening carefully to a woman, you help her understand what she wanted to say. If you want to keep the relationship, don't ask the woman about the past and the man about the future. He weaned his wife from buying books like "beauty and health", "ideal figure in 2 weeks" - simply by showing a photo of their authors. - All men are goats!
- Yes honey. Everything.
- And you too?
- I'm the biggest goat in the world!
- Then why did I marry you and live with you for so many years?
- And now we have smoothly moved on to the topic that all women are fools. Note to the owner. Ironing the hostess is much easier than a shirt and trousers. To get rid of once and for all from a terrible, but intrusive wife’s friend with her problems, it’s enough to ask his wife casually: “Where is our Svetka, with a gorgeous appetizing ass?” Guy - girl:
- On the one hand, you are very beautiful.
- And on the other?
On the other hand, you have a face. Two men meet
I heard you got married...
- Yes, and my wife is cool - both in the kitchen and in bed ...
- But how does she manage to do everything?
- Yes, I made a bed for her in the kitchen ... In the pharmacy:
- My husband constantly complains of chest pain, choking, cramps and dizziness. Do you sell earplugs? Women spend money wisely!
As a result - no mind, no money ... A conversation between two Muscovites.
- I met such a cool girl yesterday - smart, intelligent, with an excellent figure!
- Is she beautiful?
- I don't know, she hasn't taken off the gauze bandage yet.
If a blonde's eyes are burning, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something. In connection with the protracted heat in Russia, scumbag boys began to use increased demand among girls. Every time, swimming naked at night, he naively believed that there were mermaids ... Do not brag that your wife is the best: women may be offended, and men will want to make sure. Two men meet, one says:
- Can you imagine, I recently became impotent, so it turns out that the world is so interesting: there are theaters, cinemas, circuses, parks ... - I heard that Nikolai got married. Do you know if it's for love or profit?
- Well, he took his wife for profit, and money - for love. A man's heart consists of two ventricles. One for vodka, the other for snacks. - Why are you so fat?
- Because I eat breakfast myself, friends share lunch with me, and enemies give me their dinner. Courage, honor and courage - these are the three signs of my alcohol intoxication. - And I found myself a girlfriend here in Sochi. Smart, kind, loyal, beautiful ...
- Are you happy?
- Was happy. Until the smart one found out about the good one, and the faithful one about the beautiful one! Making a woman happy is difficult, but possible. The hardest thing in this situation is to stay happy yourself ... Women do not think, they plot! - Tell me, how did your wife go crazy?
- We traveled in the mountains, where there is a beautiful echo. But the wife is used to having the last word always with her... A man's belly is a mound of glory over the hero's grave. The man chases the woman until she catches him. All women live according to one motto: "Love cannot be used", but where to put a comma, each chooses for herself ... If a man washes his socks, then they are his last. Male pride goes off scale when you pee and flush the tea leaves in the toilet with well-aimed hits. A man in a supermarket, addressing one of the customers:
- You know, my wife got lost somewhere in this store. Could you give me a minute of your attention?
- Why is this?
- You see, when I talk with a beautiful woman, my wife always suddenly appears out of nowhere. Men just pretend they don't understand women! It costs them less. An apparently non-Russian woman was looking at the burning hut when she was knocked down by a horse. Finding out anything from a woman is impossible at any age: a girl's memory smoothly turns into women's secrets, and they, in turn, into senile sclerosis. Sex is such a thing, after taking which you understand within an hour that sex is not the most important thing in life ... Only the earth can accept a woman as she is. Men are divided into goats and rams.
Rams are men who are poorly versed in female psychology.
And the goats - who understand too well. As it turned out, the most popular questions after vaccination:
Male: - Can I drink?
Female: - Is it possible to wash?
Hence the conclusion: the main problem of a woman is that she is dirty, the main problem of a man is that he is sober. The wider the wife's waist, the longer the husband's working day. - Why do women get married?
- Lack of life experience.
- Why are they getting divorced?
- Lack of patience.
Why are they getting married again?
- Lack of memory. Sensation! Finally, it was possible to present women's thoughts in a simple and understandable scheme.
- And I affectionately call mine: my bunny, my fish, my bird.
- And what is she?
- And she spreads her ears, bulges her eyes, and clicks her beak. Only women are afraid of old age. Men, as a rule, do not have time to get scared ... - Dad, who did you want more - a boy or a girl?
- Actually, son, I just wanted to have a good time ... Sign: if annual rings have already formed on your cup of coffee and tea, it's time for you to get married. Who does not take risks does not drink champagne and does not listen to Mendelssohn. Happiness is not in those women with whom you want to sleep, but in those with whom you want to wake up. Never marry a woman with whom you can live. Marry the one you can't live without. If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but she understands it. A man is interesting to a woman as long as he is interesting to her friends. The motto of all women: we were born to turn money into dust!
"Dear girls! If you came through a job posting, please complete the following test before entering:
1. Take two steps away from the door.
2. Put your hands behind your head, put your elbows forward.
3. Slowly move forward until you touch the door.
If your elbows touched the door before your chest, we are very sorry, but we are forced to refuse your candidacy." American neurophysiologists have discovered that words uttered by a melodious female voice are processed in the male brain not by the speech perception center, but by the music perception center, and only then the information is transmitted to the speech center.That is why men often do not immediately understand the meaning of what the woman said.("Science and Life", No. 3-2006) If you want to feel light and comfortable with a woman, you need her When you have money - you have women!Women appear - money disappears!Money disappears - women disappear!Women disappear - money appears... If you can remove women from this vicious circle - you will be fabulously rich!!! - Dear, did you buy milk?
- Molokaku??! Didn't drink!
Women's wardrobe is when there is nothing to wear and nowhere to hang! - Can your wife stop a galloping horse?
- When she is without makeup, they stand on end. For seventeen years in a row, a man got up early every morning to walk his dog. And then the dog died. The man woke up, as always, at 6 o'clock, lay there and sighed for a long time, and finally woke up his wife:
- Listen, would you like to go for a walk with me? The skill of the gentleman lies in taking the lady to the theater in such a way that she retains a feeling of gratitude, but no desire to go again. - Yes, there used to be women in Russian villages, they would stop a galloping horse, they would enter a burning hut.
- Where are they now?
- Burned down!
She would like to live differently
Wear precious clothes
But the horses keep jumping and jumping,
And the huts are burning and burning ...
Oh, how much does our woman need! If only the huts were burning and the horses were galloping!
He will stop a galloping horse, enter a burning hut ...
In general, what he won’t do, just so as not to wash, iron, cook ... What you need to impress a woman:
- compliment her
- respect her
- caress her
- hug her
- protect her
- spend money on it
- give her wine to drink and feed her in restaurants
buy her what she wants
- listen to her
- stay with her
- support her
- go to the end of the world for her
...
How to impress a man:
Get undressed and get ready to eat. The man who decided to marry thought for a long time which of the three girls in love with him to marry. He decided to give each of them $5,000 and find out how they would use it.
The first one bought expensive clothes, the best cosmetics, went to an elite beauty salon - in general, she did everything to look perfect, and said: "I love you very much and I want everyone to know that you have the most beautiful wife in the city."
The second spent all the money on her potential husband, buying him new suits, shirts, tools for the car, and said: "You are the most important thing for me, so I spent all the money on you."
The third put $5,000 into circulation, earned another $5,000, and returned everything to the man: "I love you very much. I did this so that you would understand that I am smart and wasteful."
The man thought - and married the one whose breasts were larger.
You came from a corporate party yesterday, I took off your shoes, told you a hundred compliments, patiently listened to who said what to whom, what a fool this is
Nelly Stepanovna, I danced your favorite song from Pulp Fiction with you three times, gave you a massage twice, opened champagne at your whim, somehow put you to bed, stroked your hair ...
Today I came from a corporate party: - a long analysis, why it’s so late and why lipstick on the shirt, then with a rag in the face and the drunken cattle went to hell, I don’t talk to you ...
THIS IS EQUALITY!!!
There are two books on the table: thin and thick. On the thin one is written: "Logic". On thick: "Women's logic. Volume one."
It is easier for a woman to undress against her will than to dress as she wishes.
Men's:
Women's:
- What else should I put on my face? ..
There are three periods in the life of every woman: in the first she gets on the nerves of her father, in the second - to her husband, and in the third - to her son-in-law.
In the phrase "romantic dinner" for a woman, the key word is "romantic", and for a man - "dinner".
Someone else's man, when drunk, so cheerful and interesting! And when your own, then - "a fool is a fool" ...
Women's logic: I know I'm to blame, but I was offended.
In tears, the wife reproachfully says to her husband:
- You're callous! You don't even care why I'm crying. Do you want me to say?
- No need! I still don't have that kind of money!
Imagine that you returned home, and your wife notices traces of lipstick on your back. How will you make excuses?
- I'll say: "Honey, it's pointless to deny what happened, but you see, I dodged as best I could!"
All you guys know how to do is stare at boobs!
- Do you think if I walk around with my fly open, you will look me in the eyes?
Women don't think! They are plotting!!!
Don't wake up the bitch in me, she doesn't get enough sleep, poor thing.
Why don't you men know what we women want?
- And why do you women know what we men want, but don't do it?
Thoughts while browsing cosmetics catalog.
Men's:
- What kind of garbage they will not come up with in order to pull money from people!
Women's:
- What else should I put on my face? ...
What is the loudest plucked instrument?
- Women's ass. Do not believe - pinch!
When meeting a man, a woman, first of all, looks at the ring finger of her right hand, and only then at everything else.
A man, evaluating a woman, looks at her legs, chest, eyes, and he doesn’t care about the ring fingers of all hands and feet!
From the woman he loves, a man first becomes blind, and then deaf.
The man drank - FORGOT EVERYTHING! The woman drank - REMEMBERED EVERYTHING!!!
It is allowed to interrupt a talking woman only as a last resort and only with the words “I will buy”, “I love”, “Yes, I'm a fool! and "FIRE!!!"
Sixth Sense
My young friend Lesha works as a driver-security guard for some Boss. He seems to be making good money, but by the evening he is completely exhausted and, having come home, he dreams of only one thing - how to devour with beer or vodka. But his wife, the beautiful Olya, either does not want to cook, or does not know how. Or maybe she just doesn't have time. All day she roams the salons,
and lately has leaned heavily on esoteric literature. Specifically, she was interested in extrasensory perception. And here is the last arrival of her husband home looked something like this.
- Oh, is dinner ready? - Lyosha takes out a pair of "holsten" from the bag.
- Mmm... dinner... I'm trying to develop some kind of sixth sense here. After all, five is not enough for a person. Do you want to develop a sixth sense?
- I already have it.
- And how long? Olya blinks her perfectly executed eyelashes in amazement.
Since I've been living with you.
- Yah! And what is this feeling? She dilates her pupils.
- Hunger! Hunger, damn it!!!...
That's how you got it!
day after the holiday. A man is sitting on the steps at the entrance, his head on his knees.
The front door opens, a woman in a dressing gown appears and shouts:
- You bastard, got drunk again! Cattle!!! - begins to beat the man.
To the screams from the bench near the store (directly opposite the entrance), two heavily drunk friends rush in wide zigzags, shouting:
- Valentine! Completely freaked out - THIS IS NOT YOURS!!!
But the cleaning lady is right!
The office of a large firm, near the director's office, all the deputies stand, worried, and are waiting for the meeting to begin. A cleaning lady walks along the corridor and, sweeping the floor, mutters to herself, but rather loudly. . .
- Also me, stood here in a crowd. . . Rumbles. . . No sense from you. . . One trash. . . Clean up after you. . .
Hearing this, the first deputy turned to her:
- Well, you are wrong, they will hear us now. . .
- I also found Eurovision. . . They will have you now. . .
Resume of an experienced lady
Once, over tea, one of our employees talked about her daughter's classmate:
- He lives in our entrance and often runs to ask lessons. My daughter used to be “Ivanov” and “Ivanov”, but now it’s just Andrey ...
- Look what's going on! - we were alarmed, - first - Andrey, then - Andryusha ...
- Then - cute ...
- Then - a cat ...
- Bunny! – vied with each other vygalyas team.
- And then - a goat, - the highly experienced Lariska summed up gloomily.
Charter
We flew somehow to rest in Cyprus. Globe Airlines. Charter. In principle, everything was fine: we took off without delay, 4 hours in flight. 20 minutes before landing, the phrase sounds from the speakers: "Commander and crew, take their seats. In 20 minutes we will land at Larnaca airport." From the front rows, a reasonable question from one passenger sounds:
- And where did the crew wander for 4 hours?
Salon lay until the landing.
Judging by the growing number of women for kerm, the men will soon be standing for a long time...
***
In a restaurant, a man walks to a table where a lonely woman sits:
- May I meet you?
“Well, I really don't know. Do you have serious intentions?
- It can't be more serious! I intend to pay for your dinner, and in the morning to give money for a taxi.
***
I wonder why the author of the phrase “Kissing a smoking girl is like kissing an ashtray” kissed an ashtray?
***
Two lively housewives stand in line at the store and chat:
My husband has been released from the hospital. He had his appendix removed.
- And what is it?
- It's such a small process in the lower abdomen, no one needs it, but things go better when it's gone.
You need to tell your husband about this.
***
Do you think women enjoy sex?
“Of course, this happens during the prelude and discussion of the consequences.
***
— What a faux pas! I tell you that my wife is expecting a baby, and you ask from whom?
— Well, excuse me, please, I thought you knew.
***
- Ltd! You smell so good! What's the perfume?
— New Oriflame catalogue, side 45 flavored.
***
Near the maternity hospital, every second dad is looking for a third.
***
Now tell me why you got offended.
- You wanted to hit me.
"I've never laid a hand on a girl in my life!" What did you get from?!
“I would strike if I were you.
***
God, how times change! My mother still remembers the first time my father kissed her, and my sister has already forgotten the name of her first husband!
***
What is your intelligence index?
“I don’t know the exact figure, but I have enough to live on.
***
A conversation between two Frenchmen:
A good wife is one who has a husband and a lover.
- I thought it was bad.
- No, the bad one is the one with only a lover.
“I thought it was the fallen one.
- No, the fallen one who has no one.
- I thought it was lonely.
- No, she is single, with one husband.
***
- Syoma, am I fat?
- Not.
But it wouldn't hurt to lose weight, right?
- I like you like this.
But I don't get excited, do I?
- You're calling.
But not crazy, right?
Funny and funny jokes about men and women
Here before in Rus' what were the men! Hump nose, x ... with a baton, he will throw ten sticks and still wears on his hands! And now? Nose with potatoes, x ... accordion, he will throw half a stick and ask for more on the road!
***
Real gentlemen, parting with a girl, give her a pack of cigarettes, a coffee machine and a new plastic window with a wide window sill...
***
Two friends are chatting over a cup of coffee.
“I love nature,” says one.
The other looked attentively at her friend and sarcastically remarked:
"And after what she did to you?"
***
“It was a great summer this year!
- Yeah, and most importantly, that it was for the weekend !!!
***
Two friends were friends. Peter and Vasily. They had one friend, Nina. A year has passed. Peter runs and shouts:
- Vasya, Vasya!
- Well, what do you want?
Nina gave birth to twins. - So what?
- Like what! I took mine. And you take yours.
***
Two elderly residents of Odessa on a bench: And I like women over 50. Well, Syoma, over 50 is still inexpensive ...
***
All the troubles of men from one:
Well, you can see the fool, so why get to know better?
***
An experienced woman can make 27 to 36 withdrawals per second.
***
One woman had 10 children, and they were all boys. And everyone was called Volodya.
“Tell me,” they asked her, “how do you distinguish between them?”
“My patronymic,” the woman answered proudly.
***
When does a woman lose 90% of her intelligence?
When her husband dies.
- And when does she lose the remaining 10%?
When her pet dies after her husband.
***
Two bachelors are talking:
- Washable wallpaper is definitely a great thing! But they are so hard to tear off the wall and stuff into the washing machine!
***
- Zhora, but there is female friendship ...?
- No ... This is nonsense ...
It doesn't happen between a woman and a man...
- Here, Sema ...! What is the conclusion...?
- Which...?
- Shaw women are an unfriendly people ...!
***
All men know that if you pick up a fishing rod or just a stick near a pond, you immediately want to drink, and after drinking - women.
***
"Are you out of your mind at all?"
- In your.
“Oh, who is this here?
